Babel Clash

Greetings. I’ll be joining Holly here for a week of Zombies versus Unicorns, etc. You may know me from the Uglies quartet, or my latest series, Leviathan. But enough about me.

Zombies.

1. Zombies are often thought of as destroyers of civilization, but they are really peaceable folk. Have you ever seen a zombie start a war? Burn down a building? Or even smash a car window? Of course not. Zombies are lovers of a nice slow walk, light conversation, and hanging out in shopping malls and near remote cabins.

2. Zombies are healthy. No sniffles, no head colds, no swine flu in the zombie population. In fact, zombiism is the cure for everything, except possibly the disease of having your head removed from your spinal column.

3. Zombies are green. They don’t drive cars. They don’t use air conditioning. In fact they have no carbon footprint of any kind, just a bit of methane outgassing. Plus, they’re actually green.

4. Zombies don’t require much upkeep. They enjoy their food (which is us) but they don’t really need it. They can hang around for decades without so much as a nibble. (The exceptions are those zombies in 28 Days Later, which only last four weeks. But that’s only because they kept RUNNING everywhere. Stupid rage virus.)

5. Zombies teach us to slow down, to shuffle, even, and to enjoy life while it lasts. Which is forever.

6. Zombies make you feel less stupid about all that sporting equipment and those power tools you bought and never used.

7. Zombie outbreaks teach us the virtues of preparedness and fitness.

8. Zombies don’t love you for shallow reasons, they love you for your brains. (Which doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate your body. And your delicious entrails.)

9. Zombies don’t sweat the little stuff, like how their hair looks today. They take life in stride, if by “stride” one means “shamble,” “lurch,” or perhaps even “crawl along despite loss of several limbs.”

10. Zombies are tolerant. They don’t care about the color of your skin. In fact, they aren’t even worried about the flavor of your skin, just that it’s wrapped around your delicious entrails.

In short, zombies are us, the way we wish we were. Healthier, happier, and considerably more immortal. So really, when people hate them, perhaps the fault lies not in our zombies, but in ourselves.

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