Babel Clash

Morgan asked: “Who has more luck with the ladies, Sherlock Holmes or Captain Kirk?”

The answer is elementary once again, my dear Morgan, though this time it is obviously NOT Holmes.

James Tiberius Kirk, that great, golden Lothario of the spaceways, is practically as well-known for his sexual prowess as he is for his captaining skills, and given how legendary he is as a starship captain, that’s really saying something. I mean, there’s a book called Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women—which claims to “prob[e] deeply into Kirk’s character, charisma, and seductive techniques, making it possible for any man to model himself after the Casanova of the Cosmos”[!!]. So, to quote Stephen Colbert, I have to say that the market has spoken, and Kirk is the clear winner. Given that all of the humanoid races in the Star Trek universe seem to be genetically compatible, those aliens who seeded life throughout the galaxy needn’t have bothered including males—they could have just created Kirk and sent him out on a five year mission. As it is, I expect half of the aliens we see on Star Trek: The Next Generation are actually half-human, half-sibling children of Kirk.

There is no book called Sherlock Holmes’s Guide to Women. I rest my case. Well, maybe not quite yet. OK, so Holmes is portrayed as being basically asexual. He seems to be handsome enough that he should have no trouble attracting interest from the opposite sex, and he’s certainly a brilliant and fascinating individual, all fine traits attractive to a potential mate, but the trouble is that he just seems to have no interest in such pursuits. There was only really ever one woman in Holmes’s life—the woman, Irene Adler—and that attraction, no matter how fixated Holmes appears to be with her, it seems his fixation is not romantic at all, but purely an intellectual respect, as a master chess player might have for an opponent who could force a draw or even defeat him.

Of course, if Holmes were to put his mind to it, if he were to put his brilliant, analytical mind to winning the hearts and minds of women, I’m sure he could be the smoothest, suavest player in the history of players. (If he had, I imagine there would have been a shortage of fainting couches as the women of Victorian/Edwardian London would be all aflutter at his very approach and swooning at his touch.) Women always seem to be upset with men because they don’t listen, right? Holmes is like the best listener ever. And with his keen observational skills, he’d certainly notice any time a woman changed her hair, or got a new dress, etc. And conversation? Forget about it—he’d be the most silverest silver-tongued devil since Lucifer himself. However, I’m not sure he would be the sort that would tell a little white lie—he probably wouldn’t answer properly when asked “Does this outfit make me look fat?”—so while he could have, like Kirk, become the sort of man that could hook up with almost any woman, I’m not sure he could be the sort that could keep one.

Of course, we’re assuming a lot when we assume that were Holmes interested romantic involvement it would be women he was interested in.

Then again, maybe the question  you should have asked is who between Kirk and Holmes would win in a fight. As brawny and heroic as Kirk is, I think I’d take Holmes in that one. I mean, assuming they’re on a level technological playing field. Let’s say Kirk and Holmes face off on that desolate planet where Kirk fights the Gorn. Neither of them has any weapons. They would just, to quote The Princess Bride, “Face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.” Between his mastery of bartitsu and his keenly analytical mind, I’d give the edge to Holmes. Sorry, Kirk.

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